How to be Irresistible 101
by windborne
Summary: AKA Sasuke's guide to being picked up by guys. Hints of SasuNaru.


How To Be Irresistible 101 (Sasuke's Guide to Being Picked up by Guys)

In Sasuke's POV

Written to fulfill a request from n2-lHfC. Also dedicated to her for being my faithful beta-reader/huggles/

Hey there. Guess what? I'm being paid to teach a class today. It's called 'How to Be Irresistible 101: Sasuke's Guide to Being Picked Up by Guys'. Anyone who doesn't pay attention will be incinerated, because I'm just like that. Now listen, or get out.

Firstly, to be picked up by a guy, you must be very, very cool. It would be best if you act the silent type who never says a word except "Hnn…" when you're annoyed, amused, or anything else. When you are angry, just give the victim the Glare of Death, Doom and Destruction™ patented by yours truly. You have to practice a lot before you get this look down pat. Of course, I managed to perfect it in three days.

And next, you must be slim. Evidently, judging from the insane number of guys who have tried to get me into their bed, guys who aren't straight as arrows prefer guys who have narrow hips. I'm sure you all can guess why – because it makes us look a little more like a girl. I'm not going to go into how many ways that is wrong, because it would waste too much time and I have a time limit here.

Also, you must have a past shadowed in heartbreak and tragedy. It would be best if your parents were killed by your older brother who was formerly your idol. Of course, it would increase your X-factor if he killed your entire clan, including aunts, uncles, cousins, old people, whatever. I believe there's something that people find sexy about a brooding avenger. This is rather hard to get without slipping into insanity, but find some way to manage or leave now. This class is meant for people who want to be irresistible, like me. However, it's taken for guaranteed that I am the pinnacle of perfection that minions like you will never reach.

One crucial thing you've got to have is perfect hair. It has to look soft as silk while being able to stand up in spikes. If the wind rustles through it, your hair should be able to fall right back into place without any effort on your part. If you fail at this part, people will see you as a rip-off, as a complete fake. Perfect hair is absolutely necessary, without it, you might as well go and attend Naruto's 'Blonde Attitude 101'.

Next, you've got to have clear skin. No pimples, no freckles, no birthmarks of any sort. Guys think that people with perfect skin are gods or goddesses. You could have a face like a horse but the best skin, and they would still be clamoring for dates. Note that, please. Of course, it's best if your genes give you perfect complexion, but the type induced by facial creams, cleansers, pimple cream and what not is also mildly acceptable. However, you can never ever let anyone see how you manage your skin. Once they manage to do so, it's game over for you, because they'll label you a fake. The only mark you are allowed to have on your skin is a black scar given to you by either your psychotic sibling or an evil villain.

Athletic ability is a must have. You can't be sitting around on your butt all day; you'll get fat and be mocked. It helps to top your class in every test, in every subject, whether it's a physical examination or a written test. A clever brain is necessary. If you're stupid, no one will listen to you or ask for your opinions. You've got to be the most influential one in the whole school, the one who can make or break a performance by a simple nod. You've got to be the one who can declare someone else an outcast with one gesture. You've got to be the top power in the place.

Coming from an influential and genius clan also helps. Being the last acknowledged one of that wiped-out clan works wonders for your status. Never acknowledge other people other than a nod or a muttered hello. Doing anything more, like rushing to hug someone or waving hello is simply not acceptable. You've got to be the cool, silent one. Of course, I'm the best of the best in that category. Close behind me is that dratted Hyuuga Neji, who has not admitted defeat and given way to me yet. I will beat him!

You've also got to be favored by an evil villain. In my case, Orochimaru works, although he sends shivers down my spine. Granted, he's disgusting and sick, but he's the most evil of the evil. He was the one who killed others in order to live forever! Please! That is so degrading. I should never have gone to him in the first place, but whatever now. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. An evil villain is crucial to your success in the field of being irresistible. However, bear in mind that going off with the bad guy tends to dip your reputation a little. Take me, for example. However, since I am just so great and cool, my fanclub persisted over the years, and is still stalking me regularly. I heard that Sakura and Ino are leading them nowadays. I shudder at the thought…

You must have a psychotic older sibling. A girl or a guy will do, as long as he or she is twisted, murderous, insane, and a traitor. He or she must wear cool nail polish, put on strange cloaks and wear straw hats at all times. He or she must have a pet nickname for you, preferably 'dear foolish little brother'. He or she must also torture you often using whatever means at hand. You, of course, must cry "Traitor! I'll kill you!" whenever you meet your sibling. A dramatic fight will then ensue. You will have a choice of what to do. Number one: you can win the fight and return to bask in the admiration of the female population in your village. Number two: you can pathetically lose and return barely in one piece, and be fussed over by the female population and stared at by the male. You can take your pick, depending on whether you want stalkers or nurses.

You should also have trademark clothing. Instead of wearing different clothes like ordinary people, design your own special set and wear it everyday. Make several sets, so you don't have to wash once a week only. You should appear in public in those clothes only, so that everyone will associate that particular style and color with you alone. This outfit should not be a jumpsuit. Look at me, now even my abnormally large collar is a classic. Blue and white are my colors, and everyone in Konoha can recognize me anytime, anywhere. Kill anyone who dares to copy your design. The color of your shirt should be a dark color, like black or brown. Do not wear bright colors like orange. They practically shout 'I'm a crass idiot who's loud and irritating!' to everyone. If I happen to see anyone wear bright colors in this class, I will throw that person out; because there is no way that person can get a passing mark.

You should have a special ability which very few people can perform. Please note that traitors to the village here are not counted. In my case, that's the Sharingan and the Chidori. They have to be powerful attacks or abilities. I'm sure you all know what my Sharingan and Chidori can do; there's no need to educate you further on that. Of course, it's an added bonus if you create the spell yourself. However, note that stupid jutsus like Naruto's 'Sexy no Jutsu' and 'Harem no Jutsu' are not to be taken into regard. No matter how many jutsus he creates, he is an idiot, albeit a lovable one. Oops, scratch that. You will forget that I used the word 'lovable' in conjunction with Naruto now.

You should preferably live alone. Teenagers who don't have a curfew are seen to be much, much cooler than those who do.

If you remember and abide by all these points faithfully, you'll become like me – irresistible.

In short, you've got to be Mr. Perfect for everyone who comes along.

And that concludes that end of 'How to be Irresistible 101: Sasuke's Guide to Being Picked up by Guys'.

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A/N: Muahahahahaha… if you care to look closer, hints of SasuNaru or NaruSasu or whatever you want to call it.

N2… I hope you like this! I wanted to make it longer, but I couldn't think of anything else… /makes face/ I hope it comes up to your standards! I wanted to make it longer, but I couldn't think of anything else. If you have an idea, please tell me, and I'll do my best to add it in. I put in a hint of SasuNaru for you. /grins/ since I know you love yaoi/shounen-ai or whatever you want to call it.

To tell you the truth, I do read it sometimes. Some of my favorite stories are shounen-ai. It's just that I have absolutely no idea of how to write them. /makes face again/ I dunno… I just have a lot of trouble with that, yeah? Haha. Betcha didn't know that.


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